Oh Summer of 2017.... I will gladly say goodbye to you!!!

August 30, 2017  •  5 Comments

I want to start this blog post by saying that, well, I don't blog. I am not a writer. I am a chick that loves capturing little people and their big people. The industry tells me Im supposed to blog to get myself out there but honestly I just don't have time. My life is full. Ya see I am a mommy to my amazing little girl, Jamie, I am a wife to my husband who is my whole life, I am a daughter who doesn't see her mom enough, I am a grand daughter and I proudly just moved my Pop Pop in with me at the age of 95 years old. This summer I was reminded just how important these people are to me in addition to those that I love and did not mention! You know who you are! I don't find enough time to see all of you and tell you what you mean to me. I never intended to be a full time photographer, business owner, studio manager, prop purchaser, photo editor but I am so glad I am here. I always loved newborn photos and it always was a dream job for me. I may take a little longer then some to get better and I may move faster then others. I may make mistakes along the way. Lord knows lately I've missed messages and people have patiently handled me. I will tell you a bit about my summer. 

My business is booming and Im pretty backed up on editing since shooting 3 weddings in May and many many other sessions. We moved so much between homes, my pop pop and my studio that we still are not finished. My husband went in for a routine surgery and all hell broke loose. We didn't know what to think or do as we watched my husband fight for weeks in the ICU. It was the scariest time I have even experienced and my poor poor husband..... I now became a single parent for the month of July and had to handle the child, the poppop, the business and remain an advocate for my husband. Thankfully I had my mom and inlaws who helped with the little miss.I ended up having a darn squirrel in my attic in addition to everything else and this was just the icing on the cake at this point. The joke is totally on me. So as the month went on my husband just stayed in a bad state he had 3 surgeries and a couple drains. On July 21st (the day after his last surgery) I found out I was pregnant. I could not believe my eyes when I saw the test. I HAVE NEVER PEED ON A STICK WITH A POSITIVE RESULT! I did not think I could get pregnant on my own nor were we trying to get pregnant. I have never been quiet about our fertility struggles before Jamie. I've always loved the idea of having another baby but we decided not to and I've just adopted all my clients babies to snuggle with and I was ok with that. So as a whole week goes by I was finally able to tell my husband about the baby. He was finally well enough to handle the shock. It was the hardest longest week of my life because he is my person. He was thrilled to hear the news and I was relieved and excited to give him a boost after all he had been through. Shortly after I was able to bring my husband home with more medical needs then we ever anticipated. We will spend the next few months dealing with doctors that healthy people don't typically have to deal with and now adding to my husbands issues I would be adding to it with the pregnancy. Im a high risk mama. I have PCOS as many of you can relate to, I also have Hashimotos Thyroiditis, and I also was born with a Bicornuate uterus. I jumped on everything and got the vitamins and progesterone. I took care of myself for the next few weeks hoping that we would see a healthy baby because the world wouldn't be that cruel to us right??? Unfortunately when we went for our ultrasound there was no heartbeat and the baby measured at 6 weeks and 3 days. The idea that the baby was there is so beautiful to me. Im devastated to not ever be able to hold my baby but I realize that there must have been something wrong with my baby. My biggest fear is that people don't know about my baby. My baby gave me hope in the worst time of my life despite my loss. I realized my body is capable of what I thought I couldn't achieve without medical help. After our ultrasound I was kinda left hanging by my docs until I got all crazy on them and after waiting 10 was real to me and my family. It is a tremendous loss for me and my husband. I am mad at the world. Ive done everything the right way in life and I hate the feeling of what ifs and whys. It isn't fair. My friends the purpose of me writing is not for your pitty, for you to feel bad for me or to bring you down. I want women to know I relate and Im not afraid to talk about what happened to me. I want women and families to know you are not alone and it is ok to talk. I can't say if we will try for another baby but this baby was loved so much for the 6 weeks that we knew. I wanted to share this through my business because I am a newborn photographer. Babies are my thing. Many of my clients have suffered this same loss and some even more then once or twice. Some are unable to have babies. Loss is loss. Pain is pain. Having support from those around us is a great thing and for me it is needed.I just wanted to tell my story and let you all know about my angel and also how happy I am to end the Summer of 2017 to move forward and enjoy life remembering my sweet angel every second of every day. 

This is my number one focus from now on. Work can wait and so can life. Its all about her!


Comments

Sheree M.(non-registered)
Rox,
You truly are an amazing selfless person and I am so sorry you've had a hellish summer! I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. Your family is so lucky to have such a amazing, strong woman to be the glue that holds the pieces together! I feel fortunate to have met you and have you photograph my family with also being there for me during my delivery. I will forever be grateful for the memories you have and will continue to capture for us. Thinking of you always mama
Joanne McCann(non-registered)
Roxann, I'm so very sorry. I feel your pain just as much as I felt the pain of my daughter's losses. As you know with Michelle, there is hope. Little Miss Charlotte is our rainbow baby. Don't give up hope and always have faith. I'm also so. Etsy sorry you had such a hard summer. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger women!! You ARE one of those truly amazing women. God has great things planned for you! God bless you and your family.
Danielle Beadling(non-registered)
Ive been in your shoes, Rox. Losing a baby is very difficult to wrap your head around. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If you ever need an ear to bend, Im here for you ♡
Joanne Thurston(non-registered)
Roxanne so sorry for your loss my deepest condolences to your family and you in this difficult time your in my thoughts and prayers.
Althea(non-registered)
God bless you Rox! You are one strong and determined young lady. This world would be a much better place if there were more people like you. Hang in there!!!
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